I'm sorry...did I just give you my {witty disease here}?

Ok so I know that as barista's we should expect to be treated as the scum of the universe...god forbid we actually have nice little lives outside of the coffee shop. god forbid we actually have hopes and dreams and *gasp* feelings.

I am quite used to being regarded as a piece of trash littered on the side of the road or next in line to homeless people...but sometimes, sometimes, I just get a little more peeved then usual.

Like today. I cannot for the life of me understand the ways people hand over their money to avoid contact with us like we are some sort of diseased human. Like we might magically give them polio or herpes or some other disease just by merely exchanging pocket change. In fact, the mere thought of our skin on theirs probably makes them nauseous.

Let's address this first: Wads of money piss the fuck out of me. Fair enough your wallet is like a black hole but don't dig in it, separate the shit from the bills and then hand me this wad of cash. Oh right. I not only do I make your coffee i get to sort out this mess of bills? Don't you have the decency to unfold them at least?! You don't even know if there is enough there!

Second, we have already spoken (long ago) about change. I hate it. Regardless...don't count out your change purse onto the counter and then just leave it there for me to pick up like a damn beggar! Hand it to me damnit!

Third don't fucking leave your money on the counter and then just walk away. Maybe I wanted to ask you about your day as I counted the money? Yeah? But no. Instead you just leave me to my "job" and go about your merry way. HAND ME THE FUCKING MONEY LIKE I AM A CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING!

Lastly, just because you have exact change does not give you the right to jump in front of the line and have priority. You think we were going to have a little dance for you because you got out your nickels and dimes this morning? Get over yourself.

I seriously think that sometimes customers get some sick amusement out of playing these little games with us. Like while we turn our backs to pour their coffee..they like "hide" their credit card and then when we ask for payment they just roll their eyes and go..."Ummm, it's right there" Oh shit, sorry. The eyes on the back of my head aren't working well today and I MISSED THAT.

Or when they hold their change super close to them so that you have no choice but to literary reach over the counter and get it, once again, like a beggar.

Just say yes? Fuck off.

I hate our just say yes policy...sometimes I just want to say "fuck off" or "kiss my fat ass" or simply "get the fuck out." But no. I must smile and say yes...and occasionally I get a twisted pleasure out of saying no...what was that? A no? Yeah, bitch a big fucking NO.

I got a complaint. Yes, I know. No a huge surprise but really...someone actually called the store to say that I was rude and made her feel stupid. Oh hey, go figure: The bitch was STUPID.

Every fucking afternoon she comes into the shop wanting a cup of brewed coffee. Fair enough. But she has grown accustomed to wanting a "fresh" cup of coffee. Meaning, other barista's have followed the ridiculously stupid "just say yes" policy and politely dumped an entire batch of good coffee in order to serve this bitch a brand new special cup at a whopping price of $1.75!

Let's get one thing straight. SB isn't stupid...we have fucking policies to make sure we are consistently serving fresh coffee. You think our brewing machine is a fucking kitchen aid that burns the coffee if it sits longer than 30 minutes? No. It probably cost in the thousands of dollars and I can guarantee some smarty behind the scenes worked real hard at making damn sure it kept the coffee fresh.

Well, apparently this bitch knows good coffee. Apparently her tastebuds were sent from heaven and she can just taste the difference, she's special like that. And even more so, she has some time limit she genius-ly came up with to which she thinks the coffee goes bad! "Ohhhh, it's been sitting for 27 minutes? Hmmm, maybe 25 minutes but I just can't do past that." What the fuck?!

Anyway, so she comes in the other day and i was feeling particularly annoyed and it went a little like this:

"Hi, would you like your coffee?"

Glances at the timer which says 32 minutes (it has sat for 28)...gives me a strained look and waiting for me to say "Sure, I would love nothing more than to waste some coffee and then re-brew you a nice little cup for you"

"I am not going to re-brew it. You can wait 30 minutes until it get re-brewed or we can french press you some" She doesn't like french press because it costs her more...She stands there somewhat shocked because usually her tight little face gets her what she wants and I just stare back...

Eventually she takes it but acts like it is going to be the worst cup of coffee in the world. And thanks to my fellow barista who is accustomed to giving the snob whatever she wants...he gives it to her for FREE.

So bitch walks away with a free cup of fucking coffee that was brewed less than 30 minutes ago...acts like the world is ending and has the audacity to complain. Just saw yes? Fuck it, you can shove your coffee up your ass.

PS- My god. I am SOO sorry for the horribly long delay of posts. I had my SB review the other day and my boss actually said my attitude has drastically changed to, dare I say, nice. OH SHIT. It could take a while for me to get back to my cynical and angry self...but dammit. I will.

Shit. Something might be wrong with me...

Oh my God. I am the worst blogger, EVER. Is anyone even there anymore?

I think something might be wrong...I am feeling un-inspired and dare I say it: Nice. Oh sweet jesus no.

If I am going to make it back I need some good vibes. By good, I mean some horrible stories that will make me cynical and pessimistic again because for christ's sake, I feel so FUCKING boring....

I PROMISE that a post will come soon...please, just a little push though

You are turning down a freebie!?

So the other day I was the barista on bar. We were mildly busy so while I made the hot drinks my fellow barista Nick made the cold.

There is a Tall green tea frappuccino in the line and Nick goes to make it. Forgetting that there is already a cup out...he grabs a grande and pours it in. Hands it to me, realizes it was supposed to be a tall but who cares as anyone would CLEARLY be happy to receive free frappuccino.

Apparently not. I call it out, and tell the girl that we accidentally made it a grande instead of a tall - Is that ok with her (who in their right mind would say no...)

"Well, is it like bigger then the other one?"

"Yeah, by about 4 ounces."

"Oh. well. I probably won't drink it all, but whatever." Mind you she says this in an annoyed tone...

WHATEVER?!? WHATEVER!! Oh no you did not just say "whatever" to a freebie.

Seriously though, who makes a big deal out of freebies. Haven't we discussed this before? I thought everyone wanted extras for free for christ's sake!

I was SO tempted to take the grande and pour it into the tall cup and then stare at her while I threw the excess away.

Big Purses

Ok, so I am toally guilty of this on occasion and therefore am a victim of my own post...


Big fucking purses. Yes Nona, I know, they are trendy. But for crying out load the counter is only so big. And While I glance towards the never ending line and then back at some bitch elbow deep in a black hole....it is SO hard to think of trendiness.


Seriously though. When I walk into a busy place, while I am waiting in line I not only decide on what I want (instead of arriving at the front only to look up and going "hmmmm, what do I want?") I also try to get my form of payment out. If it is a debit card, I get it out. If it is cash, I get that out too. Shit, even if I am buying a slurpee...I get my goddamn quarters ready.

But some women just do not get it. Not only do they hold up the line by digging in a never-ending hole, they take up all the damn counter space! And while they are in there digging around, the poor person behind them is helplessly trying to get their order in and then trying to break through the space in order to pay!

Perhaps trendy clutches or small bags is in the fashion future...

Goddamn cell phones

Does anyone else have issues with cell phones in public places? It drives me fucking crazy. Whether they are ordering their drink, sitting in the lobby talking loudly, driving on the street and/or riding the subway, it seems that people these days just can't get off the damn things.

This one lady (the lady in my "Bitch wants to be a regular" post) comes in EVERYDAY on her phone. No joke. Every. fucking. day. Sometimes she calls her bill companies, sometimes her mom or dad, sometimes a friend and sometimes she has these super intense conversations that practically force everyone to just stare at her. "Girl, you did so good. Just leave him. You are so much better then that asshole. Be strong girl, be strong."

This morning I was SO not in the mood. And it is only more frustrating that she is consistently on the phone...anywhoo this morning I more or less ignored her.

She orders her drink and gives me her card, I run it, give it back and then literally turn to the next customer and say "good morning."

Well she didn't like that so much. She kind of just stared at me like "where is my thank you?" I seriously wanted to scream "I CAN'T FUCKING THANK YOU WHEN YOU ARE ON THE FUCKING PHONE?!?!"

But as we all know I just ignored her.

It just drives me nutty. Is anyone with me on this one? I find it to be so rude and selfish and shallow...like the world fucking resolves around them. Like it's all going to end if they don't have this VERY important conversation.

My question is how to handle it. I realize my approach today was semi immature (I have that tendency) but there is seemingly no other way! Sometimes when I am feeling funny I like to ask a lot of questions so that they are almost forced to talk to me...but that takes so much energy.

Please tell me I am not the only one with this issue? And please give me a clever answer to this issue....

Oh and I apologize for the delay in posts. There are some "anonymous" bullies in the comments section and it took me a few days to get over it...fucking bullies. I don't know why they gots to rain on my parade...

Patience people, patience.

I know I have written about this before but it must be the fact that it is friday and people have NO patience...

When there is a line of people out the door and the barista is up to her knickers in orders...please, please, PLEASE refrain from asking "is that mine?"

Number one. How the fuck am I supposed to know if it is yours? You think I am paying attention? No. I am focused on these little boxes on the side of the cup. I read them, sort it out in my head and then make them. I cannot be bothered to put drinks to faces...ESPECIALLY when I have 15 in line.

Number two...YOU JUST FUCKING ORDERED! No it isn't yours! Wait your damn turn with the rest of them. An god as my witness, if you even think of taking someone else's I will personally kick your ass. It's Friday. It's busy. And I really don't have time for you peeking over the counter to see if I am making yours yet....IT'S COMING!

Oh and when I say "no, it's not yours" don't try and laugh it off like you didn't just royally piss me off. I just wasted time looking for "yours" just to make you happy. Your impatience is NOT humorous...how do you live with yourself?