I'm sorry...did I just give you my {witty disease here}?

Ok so I know that as barista's we should expect to be treated as the scum of the universe...god forbid we actually have nice little lives outside of the coffee shop. god forbid we actually have hopes and dreams and *gasp* feelings.

I am quite used to being regarded as a piece of trash littered on the side of the road or next in line to homeless people...but sometimes, sometimes, I just get a little more peeved then usual.

Like today. I cannot for the life of me understand the ways people hand over their money to avoid contact with us like we are some sort of diseased human. Like we might magically give them polio or herpes or some other disease just by merely exchanging pocket change. In fact, the mere thought of our skin on theirs probably makes them nauseous.

Let's address this first: Wads of money piss the fuck out of me. Fair enough your wallet is like a black hole but don't dig in it, separate the shit from the bills and then hand me this wad of cash. Oh right. I not only do I make your coffee i get to sort out this mess of bills? Don't you have the decency to unfold them at least?! You don't even know if there is enough there!

Second, we have already spoken (long ago) about change. I hate it. Regardless...don't count out your change purse onto the counter and then just leave it there for me to pick up like a damn beggar! Hand it to me damnit!

Third don't fucking leave your money on the counter and then just walk away. Maybe I wanted to ask you about your day as I counted the money? Yeah? But no. Instead you just leave me to my "job" and go about your merry way. HAND ME THE FUCKING MONEY LIKE I AM A CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING!

Lastly, just because you have exact change does not give you the right to jump in front of the line and have priority. You think we were going to have a little dance for you because you got out your nickels and dimes this morning? Get over yourself.

I seriously think that sometimes customers get some sick amusement out of playing these little games with us. Like while we turn our backs to pour their coffee..they like "hide" their credit card and then when we ask for payment they just roll their eyes and go..."Ummm, it's right there" Oh shit, sorry. The eyes on the back of my head aren't working well today and I MISSED THAT.

Or when they hold their change super close to them so that you have no choice but to literary reach over the counter and get it, once again, like a beggar.

Just say yes? Fuck off.

I hate our just say yes policy...sometimes I just want to say "fuck off" or "kiss my fat ass" or simply "get the fuck out." But no. I must smile and say yes...and occasionally I get a twisted pleasure out of saying no...what was that? A no? Yeah, bitch a big fucking NO.

I got a complaint. Yes, I know. No a huge surprise but really...someone actually called the store to say that I was rude and made her feel stupid. Oh hey, go figure: The bitch was STUPID.

Every fucking afternoon she comes into the shop wanting a cup of brewed coffee. Fair enough. But she has grown accustomed to wanting a "fresh" cup of coffee. Meaning, other barista's have followed the ridiculously stupid "just say yes" policy and politely dumped an entire batch of good coffee in order to serve this bitch a brand new special cup at a whopping price of $1.75!

Let's get one thing straight. SB isn't stupid...we have fucking policies to make sure we are consistently serving fresh coffee. You think our brewing machine is a fucking kitchen aid that burns the coffee if it sits longer than 30 minutes? No. It probably cost in the thousands of dollars and I can guarantee some smarty behind the scenes worked real hard at making damn sure it kept the coffee fresh.

Well, apparently this bitch knows good coffee. Apparently her tastebuds were sent from heaven and she can just taste the difference, she's special like that. And even more so, she has some time limit she genius-ly came up with to which she thinks the coffee goes bad! "Ohhhh, it's been sitting for 27 minutes? Hmmm, maybe 25 minutes but I just can't do past that." What the fuck?!

Anyway, so she comes in the other day and i was feeling particularly annoyed and it went a little like this:

"Hi, would you like your coffee?"

Glances at the timer which says 32 minutes (it has sat for 28)...gives me a strained look and waiting for me to say "Sure, I would love nothing more than to waste some coffee and then re-brew you a nice little cup for you"

"I am not going to re-brew it. You can wait 30 minutes until it get re-brewed or we can french press you some" She doesn't like french press because it costs her more...She stands there somewhat shocked because usually her tight little face gets her what she wants and I just stare back...

Eventually she takes it but acts like it is going to be the worst cup of coffee in the world. And thanks to my fellow barista who is accustomed to giving the snob whatever she wants...he gives it to her for FREE.

So bitch walks away with a free cup of fucking coffee that was brewed less than 30 minutes ago...acts like the world is ending and has the audacity to complain. Just saw yes? Fuck it, you can shove your coffee up your ass.

PS- My god. I am SOO sorry for the horribly long delay of posts. I had my SB review the other day and my boss actually said my attitude has drastically changed to, dare I say, nice. OH SHIT. It could take a while for me to get back to my cynical and angry self...but dammit. I will.