I'm sorry...did I just give you my {witty disease here}?

Ok so I know that as barista's we should expect to be treated as the scum of the universe...god forbid we actually have nice little lives outside of the coffee shop. god forbid we actually have hopes and dreams and *gasp* feelings.

I am quite used to being regarded as a piece of trash littered on the side of the road or next in line to homeless people...but sometimes, sometimes, I just get a little more peeved then usual.

Like today. I cannot for the life of me understand the ways people hand over their money to avoid contact with us like we are some sort of diseased human. Like we might magically give them polio or herpes or some other disease just by merely exchanging pocket change. In fact, the mere thought of our skin on theirs probably makes them nauseous.

Let's address this first: Wads of money piss the fuck out of me. Fair enough your wallet is like a black hole but don't dig in it, separate the shit from the bills and then hand me this wad of cash. Oh right. I not only do I make your coffee i get to sort out this mess of bills? Don't you have the decency to unfold them at least?! You don't even know if there is enough there!

Second, we have already spoken (long ago) about change. I hate it. Regardless...don't count out your change purse onto the counter and then just leave it there for me to pick up like a damn beggar! Hand it to me damnit!

Third don't fucking leave your money on the counter and then just walk away. Maybe I wanted to ask you about your day as I counted the money? Yeah? But no. Instead you just leave me to my "job" and go about your merry way. HAND ME THE FUCKING MONEY LIKE I AM A CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING!

Lastly, just because you have exact change does not give you the right to jump in front of the line and have priority. You think we were going to have a little dance for you because you got out your nickels and dimes this morning? Get over yourself.

I seriously think that sometimes customers get some sick amusement out of playing these little games with us. Like while we turn our backs to pour their coffee..they like "hide" their credit card and then when we ask for payment they just roll their eyes and go..."Ummm, it's right there" Oh shit, sorry. The eyes on the back of my head aren't working well today and I MISSED THAT.

Or when they hold their change super close to them so that you have no choice but to literary reach over the counter and get it, once again, like a beggar.

Just say yes? Fuck off.

I hate our just say yes policy...sometimes I just want to say "fuck off" or "kiss my fat ass" or simply "get the fuck out." But no. I must smile and say yes...and occasionally I get a twisted pleasure out of saying no...what was that? A no? Yeah, bitch a big fucking NO.

I got a complaint. Yes, I know. No a huge surprise but really...someone actually called the store to say that I was rude and made her feel stupid. Oh hey, go figure: The bitch was STUPID.

Every fucking afternoon she comes into the shop wanting a cup of brewed coffee. Fair enough. But she has grown accustomed to wanting a "fresh" cup of coffee. Meaning, other barista's have followed the ridiculously stupid "just say yes" policy and politely dumped an entire batch of good coffee in order to serve this bitch a brand new special cup at a whopping price of $1.75!

Let's get one thing straight. SB isn't stupid...we have fucking policies to make sure we are consistently serving fresh coffee. You think our brewing machine is a fucking kitchen aid that burns the coffee if it sits longer than 30 minutes? No. It probably cost in the thousands of dollars and I can guarantee some smarty behind the scenes worked real hard at making damn sure it kept the coffee fresh.

Well, apparently this bitch knows good coffee. Apparently her tastebuds were sent from heaven and she can just taste the difference, she's special like that. And even more so, she has some time limit she genius-ly came up with to which she thinks the coffee goes bad! "Ohhhh, it's been sitting for 27 minutes? Hmmm, maybe 25 minutes but I just can't do past that." What the fuck?!

Anyway, so she comes in the other day and i was feeling particularly annoyed and it went a little like this:

"Hi, would you like your coffee?"

Glances at the timer which says 32 minutes (it has sat for 28)...gives me a strained look and waiting for me to say "Sure, I would love nothing more than to waste some coffee and then re-brew you a nice little cup for you"

"I am not going to re-brew it. You can wait 30 minutes until it get re-brewed or we can french press you some" She doesn't like french press because it costs her more...She stands there somewhat shocked because usually her tight little face gets her what she wants and I just stare back...

Eventually she takes it but acts like it is going to be the worst cup of coffee in the world. And thanks to my fellow barista who is accustomed to giving the snob whatever she wants...he gives it to her for FREE.

So bitch walks away with a free cup of fucking coffee that was brewed less than 30 minutes ago...acts like the world is ending and has the audacity to complain. Just saw yes? Fuck it, you can shove your coffee up your ass.

PS- My god. I am SOO sorry for the horribly long delay of posts. I had my SB review the other day and my boss actually said my attitude has drastically changed to, dare I say, nice. OH SHIT. It could take a while for me to get back to my cynical and angry self...but dammit. I will.

Shit. Something might be wrong with me...

Oh my God. I am the worst blogger, EVER. Is anyone even there anymore?

I think something might be wrong...I am feeling un-inspired and dare I say it: Nice. Oh sweet jesus no.

If I am going to make it back I need some good vibes. By good, I mean some horrible stories that will make me cynical and pessimistic again because for christ's sake, I feel so FUCKING boring....

I PROMISE that a post will come soon...please, just a little push though

You are turning down a freebie!?

So the other day I was the barista on bar. We were mildly busy so while I made the hot drinks my fellow barista Nick made the cold.

There is a Tall green tea frappuccino in the line and Nick goes to make it. Forgetting that there is already a cup out...he grabs a grande and pours it in. Hands it to me, realizes it was supposed to be a tall but who cares as anyone would CLEARLY be happy to receive free frappuccino.

Apparently not. I call it out, and tell the girl that we accidentally made it a grande instead of a tall - Is that ok with her (who in their right mind would say no...)

"Well, is it like bigger then the other one?"

"Yeah, by about 4 ounces."

"Oh. well. I probably won't drink it all, but whatever." Mind you she says this in an annoyed tone...

WHATEVER?!? WHATEVER!! Oh no you did not just say "whatever" to a freebie.

Seriously though, who makes a big deal out of freebies. Haven't we discussed this before? I thought everyone wanted extras for free for christ's sake!

I was SO tempted to take the grande and pour it into the tall cup and then stare at her while I threw the excess away.

Big Purses

Ok, so I am toally guilty of this on occasion and therefore am a victim of my own post...


Big fucking purses. Yes Nona, I know, they are trendy. But for crying out load the counter is only so big. And While I glance towards the never ending line and then back at some bitch elbow deep in a black hole....it is SO hard to think of trendiness.


Seriously though. When I walk into a busy place, while I am waiting in line I not only decide on what I want (instead of arriving at the front only to look up and going "hmmmm, what do I want?") I also try to get my form of payment out. If it is a debit card, I get it out. If it is cash, I get that out too. Shit, even if I am buying a slurpee...I get my goddamn quarters ready.

But some women just do not get it. Not only do they hold up the line by digging in a never-ending hole, they take up all the damn counter space! And while they are in there digging around, the poor person behind them is helplessly trying to get their order in and then trying to break through the space in order to pay!

Perhaps trendy clutches or small bags is in the fashion future...

Goddamn cell phones

Does anyone else have issues with cell phones in public places? It drives me fucking crazy. Whether they are ordering their drink, sitting in the lobby talking loudly, driving on the street and/or riding the subway, it seems that people these days just can't get off the damn things.

This one lady (the lady in my "Bitch wants to be a regular" post) comes in EVERYDAY on her phone. No joke. Every. fucking. day. Sometimes she calls her bill companies, sometimes her mom or dad, sometimes a friend and sometimes she has these super intense conversations that practically force everyone to just stare at her. "Girl, you did so good. Just leave him. You are so much better then that asshole. Be strong girl, be strong."

This morning I was SO not in the mood. And it is only more frustrating that she is consistently on the phone...anywhoo this morning I more or less ignored her.

She orders her drink and gives me her card, I run it, give it back and then literally turn to the next customer and say "good morning."

Well she didn't like that so much. She kind of just stared at me like "where is my thank you?" I seriously wanted to scream "I CAN'T FUCKING THANK YOU WHEN YOU ARE ON THE FUCKING PHONE?!?!"

But as we all know I just ignored her.

It just drives me nutty. Is anyone with me on this one? I find it to be so rude and selfish and shallow...like the world fucking resolves around them. Like it's all going to end if they don't have this VERY important conversation.

My question is how to handle it. I realize my approach today was semi immature (I have that tendency) but there is seemingly no other way! Sometimes when I am feeling funny I like to ask a lot of questions so that they are almost forced to talk to me...but that takes so much energy.

Please tell me I am not the only one with this issue? And please give me a clever answer to this issue....

Oh and I apologize for the delay in posts. There are some "anonymous" bullies in the comments section and it took me a few days to get over it...fucking bullies. I don't know why they gots to rain on my parade...

Patience people, patience.

I know I have written about this before but it must be the fact that it is friday and people have NO patience...

When there is a line of people out the door and the barista is up to her knickers in orders...please, please, PLEASE refrain from asking "is that mine?"

Number one. How the fuck am I supposed to know if it is yours? You think I am paying attention? No. I am focused on these little boxes on the side of the cup. I read them, sort it out in my head and then make them. I cannot be bothered to put drinks to faces...ESPECIALLY when I have 15 in line.

Number two...YOU JUST FUCKING ORDERED! No it isn't yours! Wait your damn turn with the rest of them. An god as my witness, if you even think of taking someone else's I will personally kick your ass. It's Friday. It's busy. And I really don't have time for you peeking over the counter to see if I am making yours yet....IT'S COMING!

Oh and when I say "no, it's not yours" don't try and laugh it off like you didn't just royally piss me off. I just wasted time looking for "yours" just to make you happy. Your impatience is NOT humorous...how do you live with yourself?

Ghetto Lattes

So I realize that our prices can be a bit steep and I can understand people's complaints when we raise them and/or charge them extra for something insignificant. But in the end, I don't fucking decide the prices, the big men on top do. And if you are going to complain that much, then don't come in everyday and order the most expensive thing on the menu.

But after years of working here, I have begun to notice a trend in the way people sneekily order their drinks to avoid a dollar or two.

They are called "ghetto lattes" and I laughed super hard when a co-worker informed me that this behavior has a title and it really only works in the summer when people order iced drinks.

Basically they order like a double espresso in an iced venti cup and then when they get it they take the milk from the condiment station and fill up the rest of the cup so that they have essentially got a "latte" for $2 instead of having us make it for $3.50. And sometimes they go as far as getting their "iced espresso" with 5 pumps white chocolate mocha so that once they pour their milk in they have themselves a home made mocha!

This goes along with the whole stuff for free issue...people are ALWAYS trying to save a dollar or two...it's ridiculous!

But in the end we get the last laugh because little do they know how long that milk has been sitting out....

What is this...a fucking charity?

I can't say that I would ever walk into a store, not have enough money to pay for something and then look at the person behind the counter like they should do something about it. Which is why I stare in disbelief when a customer comes up to the counter, orders like the biggest, most expensive thing on the menu, hands me a sweaty handful of change and then looks puzzled when I say they are short.

Sometimes they even have the audacity to look at me, glance sneakily at the tip jar and then look back at me.

"OH!...right, how stupid of me...you want ME to take change from MY tip jar so that YOU can have your quad venti soy mocha...has it ever occurred that you could DOWNSIZE your drink so that you could afford it?"


I mean really. Are these tips just imaginary? Is it because they are still in the jar that they have no value? I work hard for the tips dammit...and I will be damned if your fat ass wants to have the most expensive thing on the menu out of our pockets!

Last night some lady wanted a sandwich (yes, the sandwiches are bloody expensive...but still) which was $5.95...she wanted me to put $3.00 on her debit and then the rest in change.

I count the change: "You are short 10 cents."

She stares at me. Digs through her pockets as if there is a CHANCE she will find a fucking dime in there. Then she looks at her friend and her friend proceeds to look for the dime.

They look at me.

I look back at them.

She glances at my tip jar.

I stare at her.

And then, I stupidly concave and say "Don't worry abou it"

The bitch walks away. "FUCK YOU!" I feel like saying....these aren't your goddamn tips!

No thank you, no nothing....just an awkward glance back. Thief.

Free subs TOTALLY not worth it...

So it might be the weather...or the fact that I slept through my alarm and was late to work this morning or the fact that I am just an angry person....but for god's sake I am so fucking sick of stupid people. I know, it sounds terrible, but I mustn't deny it any longer. People, we need a plan to rid the planet of them and their stupid, idiotic tendencies.

Seriously though, it boiled down at Subway today. And I thought my job sucked ass occasionally with the whole "is this nonfat" "is this decaf" "I said mocha, not white mocha" but I thought today while patiently standing in line, that those at Subway almost have it worse.

I would die if there was a fucking see through window where the customers could see what I was doing. Pointing at the fucking glass - "tomatoes" Point. "Lettuce" Point. "Pickles" Point...and so forth. That and the fact they they could dictate every single move you make:

"I want mustard...no no no...not that much. well a bit more....ahhh, god, fine. Salt and Vinegar too...what's that?!?!...I said no vinegar!"

Seriously though, I really felt for the lovely sandwich makers. Poor guys were doing what they were being told by the two condescending, stupid and fat (ok, so that is so awful....but I can't help it) people and they just get scoffed at.

Apparently the stupid people go there in the afternoon after visiting us for their morning cups of coffee...

must. stop. them. destroying. world.

Freebies...

Is it just an American thing to want everything for free? Are we just made up of some of the cheapest people in the world? I swear people will try to get every nickel and dime they can out of you without even blinking an eye or feeling like a cheap bastard.

I do have to say that our store makes it a bit easy by making it incredibly easy to get stuff for free. For god's sake, our policy is "just say yes." Yes you can have a new drink, yes you can have another shot of espresso, yes you can have more vanilla, yes you can have the rights to my unborn child...

But sometimes it gets so fucking annoying. Perhaps it is because I am not a cheap person and I wouldn't ever dare embarrass myself with some far out explanation to get something for free.

There must be some rumor going around in the area though. I think people are telling others about this "clever" way to get yourselves some free drinks. What happens is we get a phone call from some random person and they tell us they got their drinks this morning and they didn't taste good.

"Was there something specificlaly wrong with them?"

"umm...no. Well, there was like no espresso or something. It just tasted funny."

"Well, why didn't you bring it back? We would have remade it on the spot."

"Well I didn't realize it until it was like half gone and I was already back at the office." Or your fat ass drank it all, realize you wanted some more, and then your cheap ass didn't want to buy it so you just came up with some shit excuse so you could get a free drink that will do nothing good but go straight to your ass.

"Right. Well give me you name and I will go ahead and write it down so that we can fix it for you next time you come in."

You see? Cheap! How do we even know the bitch even came into the shop? We don't...it's the fucking just say yes policy when we really just want to say shove your shitty drink up your ass.

My other favorite is when out coffee is still finishing brewing and a customer goes like this:

"Small coffee"

"It has about 2 minutes left, do you mind waiting?"

"Sure, but you have to give it to me for free then, right?" You are fucking kidding me, I am about to give you a fresh cup of hot, yummy coffee for all of $1.45 and you want it for free because you have to wait less then 2 minutes? Bitch.

"Well, I can give you an Americano for the same price if that works better."

"No I want coffee. And I want it free."

So flatter me people with your thoughts on this whole ideal of free things! Perhaps it is just Portlander's or the snotty area we live in...but some of them are seriously the cheapest bastards I have ever seen.

Ummm...Hello?! We are closing, dammit!

I swear to God, the entire neighborhood decides they'd like a coffee or tea, or EVERYTHING on the damn menu like 2 minutes before we close.

We were SO slow all night and not kidding, right as we were about to lock the doors an order of 8 drinks came in along with a few other customers. Don't they realize we want to go home? Couldn't they have come like 10 minutes earlier so as not to delay us from going home?

What's worse is when prior customers sit in the lobby and just wait for us to be forced to ask us to leave. Doors are locked, chairs are being put up and they still look at you like "What? Ohhh, you're closing."

I promise there will be a new one soon...

SO sorry for my lack of posts, I was in Vegas (Drove it, mind you...) for the past couple of days and my life seemed to pass quickly in the midst of blackjack, corona's, bright lights and god know's what else.

If I don't die before I get there, I work tonight...I shall be on track either tonight or tomorrow. Thanks for the patience!

The other day I got asked out by a man old enough to be my father...seriously. He asked one of my fellow barista's for a pen and some receipt paper and gave me his name and number...I felt bad for the guy, but really, who asks their barista out?



PS...I believe we have a leak people....not sure if my job is on the line, but slightly freaked out that it might be...oh shit.

PPS...damn blogger won't let me title this shit, dammit. Maybe just as well as I don't want "them" to find me:)

Why, oh why must you piss on walls??

Seriously. I almost vomit every time I have to clean the bathrooms. And tonight was one of those nights...

Why must you men piss all over the fucking toilet? It's is absolutely vile. You would think that the toilet hole is big enough to hit...but no. Piss gets all over the goddamn walls and floors. Do you just start staring off into space and then...opps...suddenly you have streamed all over the wall...really?

On top of that, since when did you decide it was ok not to flush? That is disgusting. Not only have you managed to piss all of the seat...you had to leave the rest as a little surprise for the poor soul who comes in next. Didn't your mother teach you anything? For cryin out loud...

And lastly...Please explain this: Who the fuck would EVER think about sitting down, taking a shit and reading the fucking paper in a public toilet? I am not joking when I say that I have seen men waiting for the bathroom with a newspaper under their arm. Or have gone in there to check the cleanliness and found a newspaper in the trash. Gross. Really, really gross.

Someone, please flatter me with an explanation to these horrible habits? I just don't get it...

Yes, I'm still talking about decaf...

I gave someone decaf. I know. I know. As much as I bitch and complain about decaf...what a hypocrite, you say. But I SWEAR this was justified...

So this mother comes in with her two children, the boy was probably 10 and the girl was about 6. The little girl was the last to order and she ordered an iced mocha.

"Shall I make that decaf?" I ask the mother.

"No, she wants the caffeine." I struggled for a moment with my inner demons and wondered if I should do as told or do what I felt more right. In the end, I found myself getting a little angry at this mother. Seriously, what mother lets their 6 year old have caffeine because she wants it? Parent your children and don't let the little shits do whatever they want because they want too.

In the end, I gave her decaf. I felt mildly bad until I realized that the little girl probably had no idea and the mother was no smarter either.

However I should have really given her, like, a quad shot and laughed as the mother chased her around and wondered what the fuck had gotten into her...

"Is that mine?"

Ok so I know I have already dedicated an entire post to Sundays...but I swear if you could witness the hell it is, you would understand the need to post every Sunday.



Today was an especially awful day. It was SO busy. Line out the door for at least 2 hours and I got the pleasure of serving up all the drinks.



But really, when I go somewhere that is busy and there is a long line I usually expect to wait for a while. It is the price you pay for venturing out on a Sunday! But many people just don't get this, like, at all. Some of the things I get on a busy Sunday make me want to drop everything I am doing, scream in anger and hit it low by calling people awful things like, ugly or fat. Here are some examples of the shit I get while I am trying to perfect a cappuccino or something...



Walking over from paying with a lobby full of people..."is that mine?" no, you just fucking ordered! Did you think that when you ordered you got like special privileges and your stupid latte got moved to the front? No. Patience, bitch.



I call out a tall mocha..."Did you say tall mocha? I ordered a double tall" Right and if you look at this line of 20 drinks I am sure a double tall mocha is in there. When I MAKE that one I will be sure and call it nice and loud for you. But keep your grimy hand off that one...IT ISN'T YOURS!



"Do you have my tall vanilla latte?" Oh right. Hold on just a minute. "EXCUSE ME. Everyone? This nice lady wants to know if I have her tall vanilla latte? Would everyone else like to check to see if there drinks are here too? Because I bet we could really piss some time away by doing this..." Yes I have your tall vanilla latte...but you JUST ORDERED IT. Go wait far far away with the other impatient bitches...it will be ready in a minute.



And that about sums it up...no respect, no sympathy, no class and no fucking manners. Where do these people come from? Seriously. Sundays are days for love...surely the ones that serve your coffee should get some too?

"Pardon me, what was that?"..."NONFAT LATTE YOU STUPID BITCH"...

The coffee shop is loud. Like REALLY loud. As a customer it might just seem moderately vivacious, but from the barista side it's like a fucking construction zone.

It's summer so we have the CONSTANT blending of frappuccino's and the general noise of the milk steaming. Add to that the loud ass kids, whose stay-at-home mom's just need a minute to breathe so the let their kids run like the devil, Paul fucking McCartney and general conversation and we've got a loud atmosphere. In one ear I have someone asking me a question, in the other I have someone shouting a drink...and in some random third ear that customers think we have, I have them mumbling something insignificant like: "Can I have some water. Now."

Well, apparently people don't get the volume factor. Apparently I have ears like a tiger or some animal with good hearing, like a zebra or something. Well, I don't. In fact, on top of my general bad hearing, I have selective hearing...aka...I am choosing to IGNORE your stupid request.

Regardless, I fucking hate mumbling. Number one, look at me when you order you drink. Don't whisper it over your phone conversation, yell it at me between chasing your crazy children, or literally order it without moving your lips. I CAN'T FUCKING HEAR YOU. YOU MUST SPEAK UP, is what, among other things, I want to say. But no, I get this condescending response:

"Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah."

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that." Mind you I was trying to understand but I didn't realize you were talking as you weren't making polite eye contact and your lips weren't moving.

"Blah Blah Blah Blah" Oh right, my "I'm Sorry I didn't catch that" didn't register as I DIDN'T FUCKING HEAR YOU, dumbass. You are mumbling. And I hate mumblers...speak up.

"GRANDE. NONFAT. LATTE. Get that?" Wow, wow, wow bitch...take it back. Seriously, take it back. I don't need you patronizing me when you are the bitch who can't fucking talk. IT'S LOUD, dammit. I don't need you to order to me like I am your three year old. Talk to me like an adult and punctuate.

And so, while you might think it's a bit loud in the lobby...think of the hell behind the counter. If I say "I didn't get that" it was because I couldn't hear you...not because I am some incompetent barista that can't understand English...SPEAK UP!

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears....Does that sound good???

This is way off topic but...

Do any of you fellow readers watch Family Guy? You better. It is perhaps the funniest show I have ever seen...seriously, funny didn't mean 'funny' until I watched this show. It's the shit. And if you have never seen it or have brushed it off as some sort of lame cartoon with an offensive talking baby, you are totally wrong!

The only real reason I mention this is not because I am bordering on obsessed with the show and the movie (which is absolutely hysterical) I think it fitting to compare my blog to the bit in the movie where Peter does his "you know what really grinds my gears..." thing. So fitting in fact, that I almost deem it appropriate to rename my blog. Do I stand alone here? Please, SOMEONE tell me that they love family guy as much as I do or else I might just die.

Your job now is to a.) tell me shamefully you have never seen it and immediatelly go rent the movie or b.) tell me you absolutely love it to bits as much as I do and we can start a little sidenote of our favorite parts...

I'm completely off my rocker, aren't I? Shit. If this is beyond random then simply reply with "shut the fuck up Lyndsey, and get back to coffee." Deal? If not then we can have a giggle and make fun of those whose lives simply aren't complete having not watched it....

OK, fine. I will get back to coffee....

Is this just a plot to make sure it's decaf?

So you know the guy who spawned the rage over decaf? I'm kinda embarrassed, but I find him mildly bearable now! I know. I know. Weird, but apparently people who get decaf aren't all off their knockers.

I gave him so much shit about asking me if it's decaf...that he kind of plays along now. Asking me "is this decaf?" and kind of smiling...hmm, now that I think bout it, I am slightly suspicious and wondering if it is all just act. Must. Not. Trust. Decaf-ers.

Bless the oldies...

So normally I like old people or 'elderly' to be more P.C.. The kind, gentle, naive and wrinkly ones. The ones with good stories and soft voices. You know, like grandma and grandpa. But I gotta admit, some of the worst customers are the oldies (they don't even deserve the P.C. 'elderly'). And believe it or not, they all come in at the fucking same time. You know how all the elderly are out driving in the early afternoon forcing one to tend to stay inside for fear of their lives? Well, they are driving to S.B., I swear.

There are two who particularly bug the shit out of me. One lady (maybe mid 70's) comes in almost every day and she wants a chai tea. One would immediately assume the latte...but no, it goes a bit like this usually.

"Hi" Not her...

"Chai Tea." I go to write a Chai tea latte - even though I know what she wants, I know....I am just asking for it.

"NO. Chai TEA BAG."

Seriously Lady, I don't need the attitude! I can see you roll your eyes and sigh under your lame fucking visor. I know you want to Chai tea bag, but you gotta make it difficult every. single. day! Just bloody say that you want a chai tea bag instead of waiting for us to make a mistake and then get angry when we get it wrong!

Today there was no recovery time between the two old ladies, they literally came one right after another. This next one had to be about 80 and god forbid was wearing a visor too.

"Short coffee." We get her a short coffee in a paper cup.

"I want it for here." Oh right, jeez, it's much too hard for you to tell me that BEFORE i get it...you must make me as miserable as you and tell me after the fact.

I get the coffee in a ceramic cup.

"I want a saucer too." Fair enough...

As I go to put the cup on the saucer I spill a bit on the saucer.

"This one is dirty, I want another." You are kidding me lady.

And no my friends, this is no joke. This lady took up about 5 minutes of people's time today. She held up the line and managed to, alone, create an unnecessary confusion. Without so much as blinking an eye! Every f-ing time.

You all might be think I am some sick awful person. But I swear, I love most old people! There are just a few of them who are so unbelievably awful, it's crazy! I am sure when I am old and gray this will all bite me in the ass as I will probably be some unbearable old bitch, but for now...lets just laugh a little at those who are at that point now.

"Oh Geez, it's my turn already?"

So i know that sometimes the barista's can get a bit rushed when we are at our busiest times in the morning. It's so hard not to when there is a line out the door though! Plus we have the line sighing in disbelief that they have to wait in a line, that we are trying our best to get through it as quickly as we can.

However, I have yet to understand how someone could wait in line for ten minutes and finally get to the front and still have no idea what the fuck they want to order. I mean, for cryin out loud! You just waited FOREVER to get to the register and you just now decide to look up at the menu and take your pick? It's been there all along, you know. And it's nice and big so that you can see it from like a mile away.

And then, after they fluster with what they want to order, with half a dozen people rolling their eyes and muttering "for fuck's sake" under their breathes, the idiot orders a plain old latte. I mean, seriously....

Bitch wants to be a regular...

Most mornings this lady comes in and I swear to god she talks to every customer service rep in the U.S. over her phone. Every time she comes in, she is ALWAYS on the bloody phone. People who talk in their cell phones while trying to order is seriously one of my biggest pet peeves...but I shall get to that another day.

This woman just plain pisses me off. She orders the same thing every morning and I know what she wants without even asking her - Grande, extra hot, no foam, with whip, caramel macchiato. But the fact that she is consistently on her phone, paying bills, changing credit cards, making corrections and various other things, makes me so angry that I ignore the fact that I know what she wants and wait patiently while she finds a moment in her conversation when she can get her order in.

And sometimes she has the audacity to look at me, in between her very important conversation, and act like I should know her drink. Doesn't she realize that her behavior just pisses me off? I don't care if she came in twice a day and ordered the same thing, bitch needs to learn some fucking manners before she walks up to the counter. And NO, I will not give her the pleasure of being a regular. She can break in her conversation to tell me what she wants. And when I feel extra bitchy, I like to ask extra questions or pretend I didn't hear so she has to repeat. Petty, I know. But I get so much pleasure out of annoying rude people.

Water Bitches

Disclaimer: Before I even write this blog I want to point out that I am by no means an enviornmentalist. I love the earth and everything, but I am still learning what kind of shit we are doing to it....one day I will be there, I promise Nick! Anyway, so although I try and stay aware, I cannot preach expertise. However, some of the people I care loads about (one lovely chap, in particular) care A LOT about it and nevertheless making me constantly aware of my shortcomings (one of many, people). Now that I have covered my ass...I will proceed with the post.

So apparently I missed another memo, this time about S.B. water cups. Not only is it now, like, trendy to carry Venti ice waters around, people somehow think our water has like special ingredients that will make there lives better. Like drinking specifically a Venti ice water (Grande and Tall's are snuffed at) will reduce wrinkles, drop that ten pounds, and immediately make you feeling a million times better. It's fucking water people. Not a fountain of youth. I just don't get it. Do people really believe that our water is "special" or is it simply the cups?

Regardless, people are so wasteful when it comes to water cups (yes, myself included) that I find myself getting angry at the innocent old lady who is just parched.

Seriously though, there are girls (sorry boys, you are left out of this one) who get Venti ice waters every single day. EVERYDAY!?! Let me explain the frustration...

#1. When the fuck did we become a fucking water factory?

#2. Reuse your goddamn cup if you want one every fucking day. It's doesn't contaminate, like, 24 hours after poured...it's a plastic cup for fucks sake. It can be reused!

#3. Hey. cheap ass. Buy a fucking water bottle. Even I carry my weight watchers 32 ouncer with pride. Perhaps Nalgene's aren't cool anymore, but there has to be something out there you like.

#4. Didn't you get the memo that loving the environment is sooo much trendier than wasting it? Yeah, didn't think so.

And lets just say you just NEED your fucking venti ice water (and try really hard to reuse it) you are NEVER EVER allowed to customize your water. This is important and needs repeating...YOU ARE NEVER ALLOWED TO CUSTOMIZE YOUR WATER. Need I say it again? It's fucking water. Never ask for light ice, no ice, ice to the top, light water, a touch of hot water, a touch of lemonade, water to the green line or anything else along those lines. S.B. might be at fault for this whole phenomenon of customizing your beverages but customizing water is just ridiculous. Never do it.

So I had a real water bitch the other day. We've been encouraging people to have smaller water cups because we were running out of venti ones (karma, bitches) and everyone has been happy to oblige. No fussiness, until this one bitch:

"Can I get a Venti water?"

"Sure, but do you mind it in a grande cup...we are quickly running out of Venti ones and are trying to conserve them."

"Ummm...No. I need a venti one." I look at her with disbelief. "You see, I like drink SOO much coffee that I HAVE to make sure i drink enough water too." You are fucking kidding me. Does the cup have some special tracking device that I missed? Have you not heard of refills?

"Well, you should really invest in a water bottle, they even come with these nifty little lines called measurements." And you can also get out now. Take your 24 oz. water and leave...

In the end, I admit that I am occasionally guilty of being a water bitch (however, if someone asked me to downsize my free water, I wouldn't argue). I know, I know. Hypocrite. But I can't help it! Some of these bitches make me so angry that I just had to write a post.

On that note, S.B. iced cups ARE recyclable...so we can all be less of a water bitch by putting them with the plastics.

I need a minute...

I promise a post in the near future (perhaps tonight)....however right now I need a moment. After three days (and a wasted weekend, at that) of opening (4:15am-12:45pm Fri, Sat and Sun) I am about as useful as a fucking stone. I drove home zombie like, semi-nervous I was going to fall asleep at the wheel.

And after being yelled at (not in a mean way but a funny way....I will get to that later), asked to hurry, made a million and one ice waters and the weirdest fucking frappuccio....I am spent.

And with that, I shall lay on my couch and will a nap to come. Wish me luck, and my grumpy ass will be writing a grumpy post in the near future...and boy do I have some goodies after this weekend....

Debate of Coffee Coosies/Sleeves

So I am really not sure who invented the coffee sleeve or whenever the fuck it was invented to begin with. And although it avoids using two cups (those are the real pussies) I still find the fucking things ridiculous and wasteful (a complete blog on waste will come shortly and all dedicated to Nick).

Before I get a million an one comments about it being hot, let me explain...

For those of us who keep it simple and order normal temperature beverages...yes, they do come out hot and for that, I understand the sleeve. However, the extra hot and even the extra extra hot people can kiss my ass. Anyone who actually chooses to drink scalding hot, burnt milk can most definitely burn their hands too. Seriously, extra hot is the stupidest thing ever. Why the hell would you want a scalding hot beverage burning the top ten layers of your tongue only to have the new top ten layers burnt off the next morning when you do it all over again? It's burnt. fucking. milk. Nasty. It smells like dirty socks and fucking moldy cheese....not something I'd like to sip or guzzle through a straw. With that being said, we can disregard the excuse of extra hot for use of sleeves....it's called TEPID people, enjoy/taste your goddamn drinks like normal people.

Speaking of tepid (below temperature) any of you who put sleeves on their tepid drinks need to go and sit by themselves for a while. Actually, I take that back. Go sit with the straw drinkers and the decaf bitches and may god save your souls. That is just fucking ridiculous....

So anyway, it's like 1,000 degrees out now and we have been overloaded with frappuccinos. Frappuccinos are cold drinks...blended in a blender and topped with whipped cream. Frappuccinos ARE NOT fucking drinks meant for sleeves. But believe it or not, a nice amount of people put sleeves on their icy drinks. Last time I checked an icy beverage did not burn your hand. Did the law of physics change or do these people just try and look stupid.

What was that? OH DUH! They keep the condensation off you pretty little manicured hands. Well then, excuse me. You use all the sleeves you want to avoid getting your hands wet and when we die of global warming you tell mother earth how sleeves changed your life.

PLUS...fucking 7/11 or plaid pantry doesn't offer sleeves for their slurpees...are you going to go ask the night shift man if he can please get you a sleeve as to avoid a moist hand? No. I didn't think so. And soft drinks have the little droplets on the outside of their drinks too!...how fucking stupid would taco bell look if they offered a coosy for your beverage?

Right. Well that's what sleeves on frappuccinos look like. Stupid, unnecessary and wasteful.

The "Usuals"

About 50% of the people we get in the shop are regulars, i.e. they come in every single day and get a coffee...usually the same thing because they are more than likely frightened of change. It's kind of an expensive area so people spend around $40-$75 a week. Ha! You laugh. You think I am kidding? Seriously, I'm not. There are people dying around the world and I swear to God people spend an upwards of $50 a week on coffee.

That being said, most of the regulars are nice, upbeat, interesting and friendly. They're the ones that not only get it...they also get the drinks made as a priority with special little foam animals on top (thank you Nate). We treat them good, damnit!

However, believe it or not. Their are a few 'regulars' who actually have the audacity to treat us like shit. Funny, we serve them their drug every day and they act like it was their god given right for us to have somehow felt their presence before they even got there and have their drinks ready by the time they got to the counter.

OR, what pisses me off even more is when they roll their eyes while standing in line! Seriously...like God is supposed to come down, part the crowd and allow them a clear fucking path....get a life. And then they get all impatient on us, ignore us when we ask how they are and continuously ask if "this is their drink."

However, recently a rather pompous regular royally pissed me off...(not a good idea, remember, I can give you decaf)

"Hi, Venti coffee today?"

Stands there, apparently he didn't hear me. "Uhh, I get the same thing every day!" He actually throws his hands out from dramatic effect. Did the asshole not just hear what I said? Or was he too busy with pulling the stick out of his ass to hear me? Now you see where I get the idea that I was obviously supposed to have his coffee ready by the time he got to the counter.

"Actually I just asked you if you'd like a Venti coffee" And if you'd actually listen to me instead of assuming I am some lower form of life that breeds off fungus and worms, then you'd realize that. Ass. Yeah, you heard me.

I get his coffee and he just kind of looks as me, like "Well, I DO." What he didn't realize is that I DON'T CARE!

My upcoming absence...OK, only like 3 days...

Hi All,

I realize only like, 6 people read this (you guys fuckin rock!) but I wanted to inform all 6 of you that I will be camping this weekend and therefore unable to have any new posts about annoying and strange customers I enocunter. I know, I know, i have not got the hang of posting everyday (it's hard!) but i am trying! But, instead, I will be drinking beer and doing stupid things myself....But I hope you all have a good holiday weekend!!

Oh, and as the sunny season comes upon us, just a tip: To all of those who wear their sunglasses inside the shops...fucking take them off! You're inside and you are being annoying. You are no Bono or Jack Nicholson. Besides, you look like a goddamn idiot. Props to Ryan for that one...

Peace out Ya'll!

-L

Obsessive Straw Drinkers

So I thought that drinking lattes, mocha's or any other hot beverage with straws was reserved for soccer moms. Well, apparently it's not. Is it not common sense to sip hot beverages as opposed to gulping them down through a straw? Did I miss a memo? Is this something the trendy-s are doing, or what? I mean, the fucking wrapper even says "Do Not Consumer With Hot Beverages"! And yet, people continue to do it!

I generalize it with 'people' as opposed to just 'soccer moms' or 'women' because yes, men do it too. Grown, adult men. Men with a wife and children at home. Yes my friends, we see more than the occasional man drinking their Non fat, no whip, white chocolate mocha's out of straws...and for the life of me I just cannot get my head round' this! Is the hole on the cup not slit specifically for sipping? And besides that minor point, do these freaks not realize what fucking idiots they look like?

At first I had accepted that this was a typical pastime of 'soccer moms'....I mean, how else were they going to drive like maniacs in their SUV's if they didn't have to struggle putting their straws in their mouths? But men? Full grown men? Men in suits and ties to say the least. Aren't they embarrassed someone might see? I mean, let's say a business deal is pending...the fucker is down the drain if the potential partner sees his potential business deal/man drinking his mocha out of a straw! I mean, really.

The other day though, I had a customer that defied all expectations that I had of the obsessive straw drinkers. He was about 60ish, tall, in slacks and a dress shirt.

He orders a Venti mocha (non-fat, no whip)...I make it and hand it out to him.

He proceeds to take the smaller of the two straws we offer (we keep the big ones behind the bar) and measures it next to his mocha. He ponders the height and then decides this straw just won't work. All the while, I am observing him with quiet disbelief. What the fuck is this otherwise nice man doing?

"Can I have a bigger straw?" I am trying my hardest to not laugh and wipe the look of astonishment off of my face. I hand him a big straw and anxiously watch his next move.

He measures this one...just in case. God forbid it be too big...because then we'd have a real problem on our hands. I can imagine him measuring the big straw and erupting in anger that we don't have any medium straws to suit his needs. "What the fuck kind of place is this? Only two sizes of straws?!?"

But he didn't. He smiled, said thank you and left. Hence why I can't be too hard on the guy. I mean, someone must tell these people. They seriously have no idea...It's like walking around with a "Kick Me" sign on your back, all the while smiling and and gulping your way through life.

But hey, at least it wasn't decaf....

Sundays...

Sundays are always the strangest of days. Number one - I don't think anyone should have to work on Sundays. This doesn't boil down to religion, but mostly the idea that we should be hanging out, taking walks and/or nursing our hangovers. (Hey, I may sound a little up front, but this girls got heart!)

Anyway, Sundays at this *cough* one place I work, are a day for some of the most stuck up people to come out. A lot of the "churchies" as I like to refer to them...You know, the ones that pray and lift their hands and upon leaving God's parking lot, flip each other off for cutting one another off (come on, you SO know the ones...) So yeah, we get a lot of those.

Sundays are super busy now that the weather is nice. (Hence why we can't all be at home talking naps and walks....people need their coffee damnit!) This little farmers market is in the parking lot next door so we get all the perfect little families, buying perfect little lattes, walking their perfect little dog, over to the perfect little market, to buy perfect little fresh cut flowers, to put in their perfect little windows. A bad latte would be the end of the world on their perfect little days. So Sundays take a lot of extra effort.

Today was an especially drowning Sunday. You'd think as adults, people wouldn't be so fucking needy. I mean come on! I have like a billion drinks in line and you want me to top yours off with foam? Bugger off.

Oh and what about the ones that feel the need to sneakily cut in line? Yeah, you. Usually the "churchies" (apparently God ignores these little discrepancies) You think we didn't see you? Well, we did and unfortunately we can't say anything, damnit! But I will do my best to get your ass to the back of the line where it belongs...either by ignoring you or putting your drink behind those who were supposed to be in front of you.


And yes, I realize the half and half is out, I also realize the world might end while you wait...but it will just be a minute regardless of how many times you ask....

Oohh, and I love these:

"Is that my americano?" I hate this more than anything...

"No, this is not your americano" you just fucking ordered and their are at least 15 drinks in line ahead of you.

Two drinks go by..."Is that mine?" Your kidding me...

"Nope, yours is still all the way back there."

And then there's....

"Tall chai tea latte!"

Woman takes it and starts to drink it. "Ummm, this doesn't taste right."

"Right. Well what was it you ordered?" Let me guess, the vanilla latte that I am finishing off right now?

"A tall vanilla latte" Your fucking kidding me. I just called out a tall chai...are you trying to fuck up my flow? Honestly. "Well, that doesn't taste right because it's NOT YOURS."

"Oh well, I thought it was." She seriously looks at me like it's my fault. Somehow I had managed to morph my voice into making a tall vanilla latte sounding like a fucking tall chai.

Are you sure that's Decaf?

I have issues with decaf. As I am sure you already realized, I have issues with many things, but decaf and the customers that order it is among the top of the most annoying issues.One man in particular really pushes me buttons on this issues. But first, I must explain where this absolute anguish in regards to decaf anything stems from.

It's fucking coffee. It's a drug and a damn good one at that. Must you ruin coffee more than adding bleached sugar, watered down cow puss you like burnt to 185 degrees, 2 equals, 1 sweet and low and no foam? Where the hell do you get your buzz from?

Frankly, decaf is for pussies. What was that? Oh yes. I understand that there are many reasons as to why some might prefer it, readers included. But seriously, life threatening? Come on, number one...don't drink fucking coffee if it's that bad. Number two, make your own fucking decaf if it IS that bad. We are humans, goddammit. And it's likely that my dumb ass will fuck up your coffee at least once and give you regular. I don't need you fucking kneeling over on the floor grabbing your heart, let alone a slapping a fucking lawsuit or guilt trip on me.

Alright, so you understand now my frustration with decaf? Small, yes. But nonetheless annoying as hell.

So this man comes in every afternoon....you think I'd know his name by now but the dickhead pisses me off too much to ask.

"Iced decaf grande carmel macchiato" Simple enough...

"Iced decaf grande carmel macchiato" I repeat in the standard starbucks way.

"Yes, decaf." The decaf is always emphasised. Like I fucking missed it the first time. Did you not hear me call it back to you? I got it. Decaf.

"I got that. Decaf" I begin to make the drink.

Shots pooring...."That's decaf right?"

"Yes, it's decaf"

"Good, because i really can't have regular. My heart...it just can't handle it." Umm...Hi fatty, perhaps your fucking heart could handle caffine if you did fill up on fucking fatty ass sausage breakfast sandwhiches every morning. Think we don't notice? Wrong.

"Well fuck." I think....I'm worried now. I throw it out and make a new one, which is positively decaf.

"Iced decaf grande carmel macchiato" I hand the drink to him on the bar.

"Decaf, right?" Oh so you didn't just see the anxiety attack I nearly had in fear that I might kill you. Fuck off, wanker! You come in here one more time and you are most certainly tempting fate. You want to mess with me and my power to give you fucking regular coffee....cause I just might. And then I will withhold my smirk as I call 911 while you are one the floor holding you heart. IT'S FUCKING DECAF!

My Issues with Pocket Change...

I have always thought that along with curing aids, helping the poor and addressing global warming, alleviating change would top the list as an issue that would greatly decrease suffering, frustration and annoyances.

I fucking hate change. Seriously, there is nothing I hate more than some dickhead giving me $3.05 for his coffee that cost $2.55, just so he can get two quarters back! I mean, for crying out loud! It's all fucking money! It will all fall to the bottom of your fucking bag, the pockets of your tight ass pants or the bottom of you're washer. Jesus Christ. I mean if I have to sit behind the counter and watch some idiot fiddle in his shorts for a fucking quarter when his wallet is over flowing with $1's...SERIOUSLY!

Oh, and the dickheads that really push my buttons by doing this didn't get the memo: you FUCKING tip when someone makes you a fancy little drink that goes along with your fancy little life. It's a fucking nickel...the fucking jar is right in front of your face...and my smile is big goddamnit. TIP ME THE FUCKING NICKEL...it's the principle more anything...

And for some odd reason the US government decided to fuck around with me and my complete hatred with change by playing a little game....

"How can we fuck with Lyndsey?" they say, "we're a bit bored and she's not nearly annoyed enough...might as well give her something to bitch about...

Some overly eager intern raises his sweaty little palm..."Ohh, I know, let's put each state on a quarter, make them of limited availability and of special releases" oh that is so fucking clever..."that way we can fuck around with them and have a laugh for at least a year" seriously, if you know the little shit that came up with the genius idea, I want his name and address...

So now, not only do I have to watch in agony as some asshole digs for change, I also must wait further for them to to check to see if they have that quarter already...Jesus, I mean really.

Oh, but yes, it gets much, much better. Remember those special customers that feel the need to keep the pennies and nickels as to defy the simple act of tipping a barista? Well those are the same ones who we catch shuffling through our precious tip jar looking for their special fucking quarters!

"uhhh, can I help you with something?"

Looking at me meekly "oh I saw a Washington quarter in your jar and I don't yet have that one" oh right, so you thought it completely appropriate to steal from the poor so your thirteen grandkids can all have a nifty collection of quarters that they won't give two shits about.

"oh right...well if you'd kindly remove your hand from my tip jar I'd be just delighted to get you all the quarters you'd like" Get out. Seriously. Leave, take your fucking quarters and leave or else I might have an anxiety attack.

"Oh well I haven't seen any of these ones before."

"Right. Well, there you are"

My first attempt at a blog...

Hi. I’m Lyndsey. I work at this one place, we serve coffee and stuff...but I will refrain from naming it as I would like to hang on to my job for a while. Here's a clue though, it's one huge (like massive) coffee company. That gave it away didn't it?

Although my job might seem glamorous and exhilarating, I get the privilege of dealing with some of the most shitty people...straight up sticks in their asses type people. This blog is a just meant to comment on the everyday assholes I encounter as being the useless barista behind the counter. I will probably inform you of how a conversation with a shitty customer went (with smiles and thanks yous) and then inform you of how I wish it went…complete with meteorites falling through the ceiling on the asshole who thinks I can’t remember his decaf grande vanilla nonfat no foam latte.

The name of my blog “ You’re gonna need to write this down” comes from the numerous condescending, self centered customers who storm to the counter, tell me to get a pen ready and proceed to tell me their ‘special’ drink that they think they just invented….for fuck’s sake, I mean really. “I’ve got my fucking pen, and if you don’t stop I will shove it up your ass” (that would be one of those things I wish I could say…)

So hi. That was my intro...now lets get to it...


Tuesday was a lovely little day. I was in a cheerful mood, customers were more of less happy and I was content with doing minimal work. I’m leaning against the register as I usually do when feeling lazy and in comes this man. Once I describe him, you’ll know exactly what I am talking about:

Head to toe in black. Big black pants, a freakish band t-shirt. Black, long, greasy hair. Metal everywhere, in his ears, on his tongue, through his lip, eyebrow…everywhere. The type of guy who probably hates his dad and rebels by playing Creed really loud in his bedroom….such a rebel.

Anyway, the guy comes up to the counter, on his cell phone (that is a whole other post) and mumbles something to me before I can get out my “Hi, how are you?” that I have so perfected.

“Blah, blah, blah, tazo chai, venti, extra hot, mumble, mumble, mumble.”

“Umm…I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.” I mean seriously…don't you people rebel against this sort of stuff?

“Would you like me to repeat it slower or write it down for you?” Oh no you didn’t….maybe if you took the fucking metal off you face I could fucking understand you! And perhaps, if you got off you goddamn cell phone you could politely tell me what your girly fucking drink is, PRICK!

“No, just a bit slower would be lovely.”

“Venti, strawberry, tazo chai tea, extra hot, no foam, light whip, latte” You are fucking kidding me… “Did you get that?” Did I get that? Get the fuck out….seriously, freaks like you aren’t allowed in here. It’s a rule. I just made it up. So GET OUT!

“Yes, I did”

“Do you need me to tell you where the strawberry button is?” No I don’t need you to tell me where the fucking strawberry button is….

“No, I think I can handle it…”

“Under blended beverage, hit modifiers and it’s next to the chips.” Apparently he didn’t hear me…

“That’ll be $4” Would you like a fucking job too?

The asshole walks out with his strawberry chai latte to smoke a cigarette. I feel like giving him a standing ovation on by the most ridiculous customer ever but instead I just mumble “that was fun” and hope that the cigarette was laced with some chemical that makes it blow up in his face, heat his metal “expressions of who he is” to like a billion degrees and watch as he runs around screaming like a girl.