I have issues with decaf. As I am sure you already realized, I have issues with many things, but decaf and the customers that order it is among the top of the most annoying issues.One man in particular really pushes me buttons on this issues. But first, I must explain where this absolute anguish in regards to decaf anything stems from.
It's fucking coffee. It's a drug and a damn good one at that. Must you ruin coffee more than adding bleached sugar, watered down cow puss you like burnt to 185 degrees, 2 equals, 1 sweet and low and no foam? Where the hell do you get your buzz from?
Frankly, decaf is for pussies. What was that? Oh yes. I understand that there are many reasons as to why some might prefer it, readers included. But seriously, life threatening? Come on, number one...don't drink fucking coffee if it's that bad. Number two, make your own fucking decaf if it IS that bad. We are humans, goddammit. And it's likely that my dumb ass will fuck up your coffee at least once and give you regular. I don't need you fucking kneeling over on the floor grabbing your heart, let alone a slapping a fucking lawsuit or guilt trip on me.
Alright, so you understand now my frustration with decaf? Small, yes. But nonetheless annoying as hell.
So this man comes in every afternoon....you think I'd know his name by now but the dickhead pisses me off too much to ask.
"Iced decaf grande carmel macchiato" Simple enough...
"Iced decaf grande carmel macchiato" I repeat in the standard starbucks way.
"Yes, decaf." The decaf is always emphasised. Like I fucking missed it the first time. Did you not hear me call it back to you? I got it. Decaf.
"I got that. Decaf" I begin to make the drink.
Shots pooring...."That's decaf right?"
"Yes, it's decaf"
"Good, because i really can't have regular. My heart...it just can't handle it." Umm...Hi fatty, perhaps your fucking heart could handle caffine if you did fill up on fucking fatty ass sausage breakfast sandwhiches every morning. Think we don't notice? Wrong.
"Well fuck." I think....I'm worried now. I throw it out and make a new one, which is positively decaf.
"Iced decaf grande carmel macchiato" I hand the drink to him on the bar.
"Decaf, right?" Oh so you didn't just see the anxiety attack I nearly had in fear that I might kill you. Fuck off, wanker! You come in here one more time and you are most certainly tempting fate. You want to mess with me and my power to give you fucking regular coffee....cause I just might. And then I will withhold my smirk as I call 911 while you are one the floor holding you heart. IT'S FUCKING DECAF!
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That guy's friend comes to my store and orders an iced venti shaken black tea with seven pumps of classic and light water. "You got seven pumps in there, right sweetheart?" "That's light water, right honey?" First, asshole, I'm not your fucking sweetheart and I sure as hell am not your honey. Second, do I come to your job and tell you how to do it? No! Fuck off and take your tea flavored sugar with you!
An extra shot of caffeinated espresso might help him on his way out, but maybe he wouldn't even notice.
It's refreshing to read your blog since I refuse to make decaf coffee. What's the point?
OK that's hilarious! I laughed out loud. You swear a lot. I like that.
I say whack that dude's decaf with espresso just as Kate says. DO IT! You know you want to...
You guys are idiots-everyone doesn't drink coffee just to get high off the caffeine. If caffeine was all we wanted then we would drink Coke or tea. Have you ever thought that some people just like the taste of coffee regardless of its caffeine content? Everyone can't ingest caffeine, that is why they make DECAF!
I guess the come-down from coming off caffeine DOES make you cranky...
After years of working in the food service industry, I agree: decaf is for pussies.
Idiot? No. Offensive? Possibly. I only allow decaf to pregnant women or those who just gave birth.
Oh and this cute old man comes in in the morning and gets decaf, so I will let him too.
The rest-pussies. I'm sorry...order a hot chocolate! And don't act like the mere thought of caffine makes your heart beat faster and your hands shake.
That, and don't act like I can't comprehend decaf. I checked the damn box and it is DEFINITELY DECAF.
There is nothing wrong with ordering or making de-caf coffe, and there is a point. Some of us love coffee, and cannot have caffeine for some reason. If that bothers you, don't work at a coffee shop that recognizes that and offers de-caf. I was a 10 cup a day caffeinated coffee drinker for years, and also a 10 migraine a month sufferer for years. Quitting caffeine (though BRUTAL at first) was the most effective thing I ever did for my headaches, and if I want de-caf because I still like the taste of coffee, I should be able to get it and not be called a pussie for trying to manage my mygraines and still enjoy coffee. I did my time as a caffeine feind!
That said, i never double check that it is de-caf. I am well aware that there will probably be an occassional error and it wont kill me (though I do get shaky and feel like I am gonna jump out of my skin now that I am unaccustomed to caffiene)but most of the time it will be right, and an occasional caffeinated coffee wont kill me. If I thought it would, I would ohnly ever make my own coffee.
thanks mommanista, well said. I was trying to say that, but in my anger, I couldn't get that out
Oh that is just over-the-top ... really, us caffiene junkies wish you'd order your cokes and your caffeine-free chocolate bars and leave the rest of us in peace. You get mad about someone's opinion about decaf ... go somewhere else.
Hey thanks for the back up Kate...
Apparently those lacking caffeine are a bit cranky...
No, not at all. I am much more even keeled than I was when I was drinking caffiene, I didn't realize how edgy and anxious caffeine made me until I had to quit it. Not that I think caffeine is bad, just bad for me.
I just don't get why caffienated coffee drinkers are so bothered by those that enjoy the taste of coffee and choose to have it without the caffeine (or much caffeine, as even de-caf has some), or feel the need to call them a pussie.
SB offers it's lattes without caffiene, I for one am glad of that (you should be too, based on the amount of decaf orders I hear at SB-and I hit them all over Ontario due to my job-I am not sure they would need so many baristas if they didn't), and frankly don't give a rat's ass if the Barista behind the counter thinks I am a pussy...but I don't read blog to NOT respond when I have a thought, and I did. And I am chatty, so my responses are always long winded. Deal.
As stated, I totally get why it is annoying to have someone order de-caf and then ask about it over and over as if you are retarded and a shot of caffeine would make him drop dead on the spot. I just don't get the point of name calling anyone who chooses not to have caffeine, even if they are respectful for it, names.
Explain this to me...what exactly it is about me wanting to continue enjoying the taste of a drink I love and avoid migraines at the same time a pussy?
Wow!
Such thinly veiled, antagonism in these comments and all over whether we drink our coffee as nature grew it or not - I love it!
Offers a glass of warm milk for those who like their coffee neutered and a triple espresso for those who do not.
Great blog, Kate steered me here. Your writing is refreshing and definitely espresso!
S
Hey I don't have a prob with anyone that wants dacaf but now I knkow who this guy is that comes in. Hello...We aren't idiots. You wanna come back here and make it yourself? I don't need to be asked the same request 3 times. I got it - DECAF
I could not have caffeine for the longest time (would faint and get stomach cramps from it) but I loooooved the taste of coffee anyway. So I had decaf for many years until I "outgrew" my caffeine-intolerance.
Please keep in mind that there can be many reasons for wanting decaf.
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