I have always thought that along with curing aids, helping the poor and addressing global warming, alleviating change would top the list as an issue that would greatly decrease suffering, frustration and annoyances.
I fucking hate change. Seriously, there is nothing I hate more than some dickhead giving me $3.05 for his coffee that cost $2.55, just so he can get two quarters back! I mean, for crying out loud! It's all fucking money! It will all fall to the bottom of your fucking bag, the pockets of your tight ass pants or the bottom of you're washer. Jesus Christ. I mean if I have to sit behind the counter and watch some idiot fiddle in his shorts for a fucking quarter when his wallet is over flowing with $1's...SERIOUSLY!
Oh, and the dickheads that really push my buttons by doing this didn't get the memo: you FUCKING tip when someone makes you a fancy little drink that goes along with your fancy little life. It's a fucking nickel...the fucking jar is right in front of your face...and my smile is big goddamnit. TIP ME THE FUCKING NICKEL...it's the principle more anything...
And for some odd reason the US government decided to fuck around with me and my complete hatred with change by playing a little game....
"How can we fuck with Lyndsey?" they say, "we're a bit bored and she's not nearly annoyed enough...might as well give her something to bitch about...
Some overly eager intern raises his sweaty little palm..."Ohh, I know, let's put each state on a quarter, make them of limited availability and of special releases" oh that is so fucking clever..."that way we can fuck around with them and have a laugh for at least a year" seriously, if you know the little shit that came up with the genius idea, I want his name and address...
So now, not only do I have to watch in agony as some asshole digs for change, I also must wait further for them to to check to see if they have that quarter already...Jesus, I mean really.
Oh, but yes, it gets much, much better. Remember those special customers that feel the need to keep the pennies and nickels as to defy the simple act of tipping a barista? Well those are the same ones who we catch shuffling through our precious tip jar looking for their special fucking quarters!
"uhhh, can I help you with something?"
Looking at me meekly "oh I saw a Washington quarter in your jar and I don't yet have that one" oh right, so you thought it completely appropriate to steal from the poor so your thirteen grandkids can all have a nifty collection of quarters that they won't give two shits about.
"oh right...well if you'd kindly remove your hand from my tip jar I'd be just delighted to get you all the quarters you'd like" Get out. Seriously. Leave, take your fucking quarters and leave or else I might have an anxiety attack.
"Oh well I haven't seen any of these ones before."
"Right. Well, there you are"
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6 comments:
Hi Lyndsey. I love your blog. I think it is an interesting idea that many can relate to, and not to mention it cracked me up! Keep up the good work. I can't wait to hear more stories!
Kristie
I love changers. I also love the people that toss their crinkly dollar bills on the counter and walk away like you're some asshole that's robbing them. Oh wait, we are. jokes on them.
The best is when they wait at my drive through window for 1 cent! For 1 fucking cent you are going to hold up my line, annoy my next customer and piss me off? 1 mother fucking cent! You just paid $5.89 for a damn latte and now you're going to be a cheap bastard and wait for 1 cent? This of course is after they were a pain in the ass to begin with and told me to wait while they finished their phone conversation before placing their order. Seriously, 1 cent.
Okay, a serious question. I have really wondered for a long time - is it more acceptable to have the barista give you your change and then toss it in the tip jar (in addition to giving a real tip), or is it better to just tell her to keep the change? I don't want to sound like a dismissive scumbag (a la "it's okay, hon, you just keep the change), but I don't like seeming like a tight-ass ding-dong waiting for my measly 17 cents.
And for the record, I NEVER tip less than $1 at a coffee shop like that. Just because the corporate office is screwing me over with over-priced coffee doesn't mean the folks behind the counter are in on the deal. And if I can pay $4 for an overpriced frou-frou coffee drink, I can splurge for the damn extra $1 it takes to help give a decent wage for the person behind the counter. It drives me CRAZY watching other pompous customers come in and act like total douche-bags (one of the many reasons I don't often go in to Starbucks.)
PS - And has it ever occurred to folks that it's not a good idea to be rude someone who has control of your FOOD? Duh, dumbasses - your pissing off the person who has absolute control over something you're going to put in your MOUTH? I know I'd have to be making some loogie lattes for a few people out there if I were working behind the counter.
Thank you KG for recognizing that as a barista we definitely don't get paid enough for the bullshit we put up with. And the tips are really what make it worth it!
As far as tipping in general goes...if the person behind the counter is rude that qualifies no tip at all.
If you have .10 left over from the $5 you gave us, we usually find people cheap when they don't throw it in. Saying keep the change is my favorite but waiting for it and then throwing in is ok, too.
And for reals on the whole "we are making something that you will be ingesting" comment...people don't get it....although, I'm not sure I would ever have the balls to do anything drastic- just maybe give them decaf instead...such a rebel, I know!
I am very grateful to you. Many thanks.
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