"Pardon me, what was that?"..."NONFAT LATTE YOU STUPID BITCH"...

The coffee shop is loud. Like REALLY loud. As a customer it might just seem moderately vivacious, but from the barista side it's like a fucking construction zone.

It's summer so we have the CONSTANT blending of frappuccino's and the general noise of the milk steaming. Add to that the loud ass kids, whose stay-at-home mom's just need a minute to breathe so the let their kids run like the devil, Paul fucking McCartney and general conversation and we've got a loud atmosphere. In one ear I have someone asking me a question, in the other I have someone shouting a drink...and in some random third ear that customers think we have, I have them mumbling something insignificant like: "Can I have some water. Now."

Well, apparently people don't get the volume factor. Apparently I have ears like a tiger or some animal with good hearing, like a zebra or something. Well, I don't. In fact, on top of my general bad hearing, I have selective hearing...aka...I am choosing to IGNORE your stupid request.

Regardless, I fucking hate mumbling. Number one, look at me when you order you drink. Don't whisper it over your phone conversation, yell it at me between chasing your crazy children, or literally order it without moving your lips. I CAN'T FUCKING HEAR YOU. YOU MUST SPEAK UP, is what, among other things, I want to say. But no, I get this condescending response:

"Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah."

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that." Mind you I was trying to understand but I didn't realize you were talking as you weren't making polite eye contact and your lips weren't moving.

"Blah Blah Blah Blah" Oh right, my "I'm Sorry I didn't catch that" didn't register as I DIDN'T FUCKING HEAR YOU, dumbass. You are mumbling. And I hate mumblers...speak up.

"GRANDE. NONFAT. LATTE. Get that?" Wow, wow, wow bitch...take it back. Seriously, take it back. I don't need you patronizing me when you are the bitch who can't fucking talk. IT'S LOUD, dammit. I don't need you to order to me like I am your three year old. Talk to me like an adult and punctuate.

And so, while you might think it's a bit loud in the lobby...think of the hell behind the counter. If I say "I didn't get that" it was because I couldn't hear you...not because I am some incompetent barista that can't understand English...SPEAK UP!

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears....Does that sound good???

This is way off topic but...

Do any of you fellow readers watch Family Guy? You better. It is perhaps the funniest show I have ever seen...seriously, funny didn't mean 'funny' until I watched this show. It's the shit. And if you have never seen it or have brushed it off as some sort of lame cartoon with an offensive talking baby, you are totally wrong!

The only real reason I mention this is not because I am bordering on obsessed with the show and the movie (which is absolutely hysterical) I think it fitting to compare my blog to the bit in the movie where Peter does his "you know what really grinds my gears..." thing. So fitting in fact, that I almost deem it appropriate to rename my blog. Do I stand alone here? Please, SOMEONE tell me that they love family guy as much as I do or else I might just die.

Your job now is to a.) tell me shamefully you have never seen it and immediatelly go rent the movie or b.) tell me you absolutely love it to bits as much as I do and we can start a little sidenote of our favorite parts...

I'm completely off my rocker, aren't I? Shit. If this is beyond random then simply reply with "shut the fuck up Lyndsey, and get back to coffee." Deal? If not then we can have a giggle and make fun of those whose lives simply aren't complete having not watched it....

OK, fine. I will get back to coffee....

Is this just a plot to make sure it's decaf?

So you know the guy who spawned the rage over decaf? I'm kinda embarrassed, but I find him mildly bearable now! I know. I know. Weird, but apparently people who get decaf aren't all off their knockers.

I gave him so much shit about asking me if it's decaf...that he kind of plays along now. Asking me "is this decaf?" and kind of smiling...hmm, now that I think bout it, I am slightly suspicious and wondering if it is all just act. Must. Not. Trust. Decaf-ers.

Bless the oldies...

So normally I like old people or 'elderly' to be more P.C.. The kind, gentle, naive and wrinkly ones. The ones with good stories and soft voices. You know, like grandma and grandpa. But I gotta admit, some of the worst customers are the oldies (they don't even deserve the P.C. 'elderly'). And believe it or not, they all come in at the fucking same time. You know how all the elderly are out driving in the early afternoon forcing one to tend to stay inside for fear of their lives? Well, they are driving to S.B., I swear.

There are two who particularly bug the shit out of me. One lady (maybe mid 70's) comes in almost every day and she wants a chai tea. One would immediately assume the latte...but no, it goes a bit like this usually.

"Hi" Not her...

"Chai Tea." I go to write a Chai tea latte - even though I know what she wants, I know....I am just asking for it.

"NO. Chai TEA BAG."

Seriously Lady, I don't need the attitude! I can see you roll your eyes and sigh under your lame fucking visor. I know you want to Chai tea bag, but you gotta make it difficult every. single. day! Just bloody say that you want a chai tea bag instead of waiting for us to make a mistake and then get angry when we get it wrong!

Today there was no recovery time between the two old ladies, they literally came one right after another. This next one had to be about 80 and god forbid was wearing a visor too.

"Short coffee." We get her a short coffee in a paper cup.

"I want it for here." Oh right, jeez, it's much too hard for you to tell me that BEFORE i get it...you must make me as miserable as you and tell me after the fact.

I get the coffee in a ceramic cup.

"I want a saucer too." Fair enough...

As I go to put the cup on the saucer I spill a bit on the saucer.

"This one is dirty, I want another." You are kidding me lady.

And no my friends, this is no joke. This lady took up about 5 minutes of people's time today. She held up the line and managed to, alone, create an unnecessary confusion. Without so much as blinking an eye! Every f-ing time.

You all might be think I am some sick awful person. But I swear, I love most old people! There are just a few of them who are so unbelievably awful, it's crazy! I am sure when I am old and gray this will all bite me in the ass as I will probably be some unbearable old bitch, but for now...lets just laugh a little at those who are at that point now.

"Oh Geez, it's my turn already?"

So i know that sometimes the barista's can get a bit rushed when we are at our busiest times in the morning. It's so hard not to when there is a line out the door though! Plus we have the line sighing in disbelief that they have to wait in a line, that we are trying our best to get through it as quickly as we can.

However, I have yet to understand how someone could wait in line for ten minutes and finally get to the front and still have no idea what the fuck they want to order. I mean, for cryin out loud! You just waited FOREVER to get to the register and you just now decide to look up at the menu and take your pick? It's been there all along, you know. And it's nice and big so that you can see it from like a mile away.

And then, after they fluster with what they want to order, with half a dozen people rolling their eyes and muttering "for fuck's sake" under their breathes, the idiot orders a plain old latte. I mean, seriously....

Bitch wants to be a regular...

Most mornings this lady comes in and I swear to god she talks to every customer service rep in the U.S. over her phone. Every time she comes in, she is ALWAYS on the bloody phone. People who talk in their cell phones while trying to order is seriously one of my biggest pet peeves...but I shall get to that another day.

This woman just plain pisses me off. She orders the same thing every morning and I know what she wants without even asking her - Grande, extra hot, no foam, with whip, caramel macchiato. But the fact that she is consistently on her phone, paying bills, changing credit cards, making corrections and various other things, makes me so angry that I ignore the fact that I know what she wants and wait patiently while she finds a moment in her conversation when she can get her order in.

And sometimes she has the audacity to look at me, in between her very important conversation, and act like I should know her drink. Doesn't she realize that her behavior just pisses me off? I don't care if she came in twice a day and ordered the same thing, bitch needs to learn some fucking manners before she walks up to the counter. And NO, I will not give her the pleasure of being a regular. She can break in her conversation to tell me what she wants. And when I feel extra bitchy, I like to ask extra questions or pretend I didn't hear so she has to repeat. Petty, I know. But I get so much pleasure out of annoying rude people.

Water Bitches

Disclaimer: Before I even write this blog I want to point out that I am by no means an enviornmentalist. I love the earth and everything, but I am still learning what kind of shit we are doing to it....one day I will be there, I promise Nick! Anyway, so although I try and stay aware, I cannot preach expertise. However, some of the people I care loads about (one lovely chap, in particular) care A LOT about it and nevertheless making me constantly aware of my shortcomings (one of many, people). Now that I have covered my ass...I will proceed with the post.

So apparently I missed another memo, this time about S.B. water cups. Not only is it now, like, trendy to carry Venti ice waters around, people somehow think our water has like special ingredients that will make there lives better. Like drinking specifically a Venti ice water (Grande and Tall's are snuffed at) will reduce wrinkles, drop that ten pounds, and immediately make you feeling a million times better. It's fucking water people. Not a fountain of youth. I just don't get it. Do people really believe that our water is "special" or is it simply the cups?

Regardless, people are so wasteful when it comes to water cups (yes, myself included) that I find myself getting angry at the innocent old lady who is just parched.

Seriously though, there are girls (sorry boys, you are left out of this one) who get Venti ice waters every single day. EVERYDAY!?! Let me explain the frustration...

#1. When the fuck did we become a fucking water factory?

#2. Reuse your goddamn cup if you want one every fucking day. It's doesn't contaminate, like, 24 hours after poured...it's a plastic cup for fucks sake. It can be reused!

#3. Hey. cheap ass. Buy a fucking water bottle. Even I carry my weight watchers 32 ouncer with pride. Perhaps Nalgene's aren't cool anymore, but there has to be something out there you like.

#4. Didn't you get the memo that loving the environment is sooo much trendier than wasting it? Yeah, didn't think so.

And lets just say you just NEED your fucking venti ice water (and try really hard to reuse it) you are NEVER EVER allowed to customize your water. This is important and needs repeating...YOU ARE NEVER ALLOWED TO CUSTOMIZE YOUR WATER. Need I say it again? It's fucking water. Never ask for light ice, no ice, ice to the top, light water, a touch of hot water, a touch of lemonade, water to the green line or anything else along those lines. S.B. might be at fault for this whole phenomenon of customizing your beverages but customizing water is just ridiculous. Never do it.

So I had a real water bitch the other day. We've been encouraging people to have smaller water cups because we were running out of venti ones (karma, bitches) and everyone has been happy to oblige. No fussiness, until this one bitch:

"Can I get a Venti water?"

"Sure, but do you mind it in a grande cup...we are quickly running out of Venti ones and are trying to conserve them."

"Ummm...No. I need a venti one." I look at her with disbelief. "You see, I like drink SOO much coffee that I HAVE to make sure i drink enough water too." You are fucking kidding me. Does the cup have some special tracking device that I missed? Have you not heard of refills?

"Well, you should really invest in a water bottle, they even come with these nifty little lines called measurements." And you can also get out now. Take your 24 oz. water and leave...

In the end, I admit that I am occasionally guilty of being a water bitch (however, if someone asked me to downsize my free water, I wouldn't argue). I know, I know. Hypocrite. But I can't help it! Some of these bitches make me so angry that I just had to write a post.

On that note, S.B. iced cups ARE recyclable...so we can all be less of a water bitch by putting them with the plastics.

I need a minute...

I promise a post in the near future (perhaps tonight)....however right now I need a moment. After three days (and a wasted weekend, at that) of opening (4:15am-12:45pm Fri, Sat and Sun) I am about as useful as a fucking stone. I drove home zombie like, semi-nervous I was going to fall asleep at the wheel.

And after being yelled at (not in a mean way but a funny way....I will get to that later), asked to hurry, made a million and one ice waters and the weirdest fucking frappuccio....I am spent.

And with that, I shall lay on my couch and will a nap to come. Wish me luck, and my grumpy ass will be writing a grumpy post in the near future...and boy do I have some goodies after this weekend....