Ghetto Lattes

So I realize that our prices can be a bit steep and I can understand people's complaints when we raise them and/or charge them extra for something insignificant. But in the end, I don't fucking decide the prices, the big men on top do. And if you are going to complain that much, then don't come in everyday and order the most expensive thing on the menu.

But after years of working here, I have begun to notice a trend in the way people sneekily order their drinks to avoid a dollar or two.

They are called "ghetto lattes" and I laughed super hard when a co-worker informed me that this behavior has a title and it really only works in the summer when people order iced drinks.

Basically they order like a double espresso in an iced venti cup and then when they get it they take the milk from the condiment station and fill up the rest of the cup so that they have essentially got a "latte" for $2 instead of having us make it for $3.50. And sometimes they go as far as getting their "iced espresso" with 5 pumps white chocolate mocha so that once they pour their milk in they have themselves a home made mocha!

This goes along with the whole stuff for free issue...people are ALWAYS trying to save a dollar or two...it's ridiculous!

But in the end we get the last laugh because little do they know how long that milk has been sitting out....

What is this...a fucking charity?

I can't say that I would ever walk into a store, not have enough money to pay for something and then look at the person behind the counter like they should do something about it. Which is why I stare in disbelief when a customer comes up to the counter, orders like the biggest, most expensive thing on the menu, hands me a sweaty handful of change and then looks puzzled when I say they are short.

Sometimes they even have the audacity to look at me, glance sneakily at the tip jar and then look back at me.

"OH!...right, how stupid of me...you want ME to take change from MY tip jar so that YOU can have your quad venti soy mocha...has it ever occurred that you could DOWNSIZE your drink so that you could afford it?"


I mean really. Are these tips just imaginary? Is it because they are still in the jar that they have no value? I work hard for the tips dammit...and I will be damned if your fat ass wants to have the most expensive thing on the menu out of our pockets!

Last night some lady wanted a sandwich (yes, the sandwiches are bloody expensive...but still) which was $5.95...she wanted me to put $3.00 on her debit and then the rest in change.

I count the change: "You are short 10 cents."

She stares at me. Digs through her pockets as if there is a CHANCE she will find a fucking dime in there. Then she looks at her friend and her friend proceeds to look for the dime.

They look at me.

I look back at them.

She glances at my tip jar.

I stare at her.

And then, I stupidly concave and say "Don't worry abou it"

The bitch walks away. "FUCK YOU!" I feel like saying....these aren't your goddamn tips!

No thank you, no nothing....just an awkward glance back. Thief.

Free subs TOTALLY not worth it...

So it might be the weather...or the fact that I slept through my alarm and was late to work this morning or the fact that I am just an angry person....but for god's sake I am so fucking sick of stupid people. I know, it sounds terrible, but I mustn't deny it any longer. People, we need a plan to rid the planet of them and their stupid, idiotic tendencies.

Seriously though, it boiled down at Subway today. And I thought my job sucked ass occasionally with the whole "is this nonfat" "is this decaf" "I said mocha, not white mocha" but I thought today while patiently standing in line, that those at Subway almost have it worse.

I would die if there was a fucking see through window where the customers could see what I was doing. Pointing at the fucking glass - "tomatoes" Point. "Lettuce" Point. "Pickles" Point...and so forth. That and the fact they they could dictate every single move you make:

"I want mustard...no no no...not that much. well a bit more....ahhh, god, fine. Salt and Vinegar too...what's that?!?!...I said no vinegar!"

Seriously though, I really felt for the lovely sandwich makers. Poor guys were doing what they were being told by the two condescending, stupid and fat (ok, so that is so awful....but I can't help it) people and they just get scoffed at.

Apparently the stupid people go there in the afternoon after visiting us for their morning cups of coffee...

must. stop. them. destroying. world.

Freebies...

Is it just an American thing to want everything for free? Are we just made up of some of the cheapest people in the world? I swear people will try to get every nickel and dime they can out of you without even blinking an eye or feeling like a cheap bastard.

I do have to say that our store makes it a bit easy by making it incredibly easy to get stuff for free. For god's sake, our policy is "just say yes." Yes you can have a new drink, yes you can have another shot of espresso, yes you can have more vanilla, yes you can have the rights to my unborn child...

But sometimes it gets so fucking annoying. Perhaps it is because I am not a cheap person and I wouldn't ever dare embarrass myself with some far out explanation to get something for free.

There must be some rumor going around in the area though. I think people are telling others about this "clever" way to get yourselves some free drinks. What happens is we get a phone call from some random person and they tell us they got their drinks this morning and they didn't taste good.

"Was there something specificlaly wrong with them?"

"umm...no. Well, there was like no espresso or something. It just tasted funny."

"Well, why didn't you bring it back? We would have remade it on the spot."

"Well I didn't realize it until it was like half gone and I was already back at the office." Or your fat ass drank it all, realize you wanted some more, and then your cheap ass didn't want to buy it so you just came up with some shit excuse so you could get a free drink that will do nothing good but go straight to your ass.

"Right. Well give me you name and I will go ahead and write it down so that we can fix it for you next time you come in."

You see? Cheap! How do we even know the bitch even came into the shop? We don't...it's the fucking just say yes policy when we really just want to say shove your shitty drink up your ass.

My other favorite is when out coffee is still finishing brewing and a customer goes like this:

"Small coffee"

"It has about 2 minutes left, do you mind waiting?"

"Sure, but you have to give it to me for free then, right?" You are fucking kidding me, I am about to give you a fresh cup of hot, yummy coffee for all of $1.45 and you want it for free because you have to wait less then 2 minutes? Bitch.

"Well, I can give you an Americano for the same price if that works better."

"No I want coffee. And I want it free."

So flatter me people with your thoughts on this whole ideal of free things! Perhaps it is just Portlander's or the snotty area we live in...but some of them are seriously the cheapest bastards I have ever seen.

Ummm...Hello?! We are closing, dammit!

I swear to God, the entire neighborhood decides they'd like a coffee or tea, or EVERYTHING on the damn menu like 2 minutes before we close.

We were SO slow all night and not kidding, right as we were about to lock the doors an order of 8 drinks came in along with a few other customers. Don't they realize we want to go home? Couldn't they have come like 10 minutes earlier so as not to delay us from going home?

What's worse is when prior customers sit in the lobby and just wait for us to be forced to ask us to leave. Doors are locked, chairs are being put up and they still look at you like "What? Ohhh, you're closing."

I promise there will be a new one soon...

SO sorry for my lack of posts, I was in Vegas (Drove it, mind you...) for the past couple of days and my life seemed to pass quickly in the midst of blackjack, corona's, bright lights and god know's what else.

If I don't die before I get there, I work tonight...I shall be on track either tonight or tomorrow. Thanks for the patience!

The other day I got asked out by a man old enough to be my father...seriously. He asked one of my fellow barista's for a pen and some receipt paper and gave me his name and number...I felt bad for the guy, but really, who asks their barista out?



PS...I believe we have a leak people....not sure if my job is on the line, but slightly freaked out that it might be...oh shit.

PPS...damn blogger won't let me title this shit, dammit. Maybe just as well as I don't want "them" to find me:)

Why, oh why must you piss on walls??

Seriously. I almost vomit every time I have to clean the bathrooms. And tonight was one of those nights...

Why must you men piss all over the fucking toilet? It's is absolutely vile. You would think that the toilet hole is big enough to hit...but no. Piss gets all over the goddamn walls and floors. Do you just start staring off into space and then...opps...suddenly you have streamed all over the wall...really?

On top of that, since when did you decide it was ok not to flush? That is disgusting. Not only have you managed to piss all of the seat...you had to leave the rest as a little surprise for the poor soul who comes in next. Didn't your mother teach you anything? For cryin out loud...

And lastly...Please explain this: Who the fuck would EVER think about sitting down, taking a shit and reading the fucking paper in a public toilet? I am not joking when I say that I have seen men waiting for the bathroom with a newspaper under their arm. Or have gone in there to check the cleanliness and found a newspaper in the trash. Gross. Really, really gross.

Someone, please flatter me with an explanation to these horrible habits? I just don't get it...

Yes, I'm still talking about decaf...

I gave someone decaf. I know. I know. As much as I bitch and complain about decaf...what a hypocrite, you say. But I SWEAR this was justified...

So this mother comes in with her two children, the boy was probably 10 and the girl was about 6. The little girl was the last to order and she ordered an iced mocha.

"Shall I make that decaf?" I ask the mother.

"No, she wants the caffeine." I struggled for a moment with my inner demons and wondered if I should do as told or do what I felt more right. In the end, I found myself getting a little angry at this mother. Seriously, what mother lets their 6 year old have caffeine because she wants it? Parent your children and don't let the little shits do whatever they want because they want too.

In the end, I gave her decaf. I felt mildly bad until I realized that the little girl probably had no idea and the mother was no smarter either.

However I should have really given her, like, a quad shot and laughed as the mother chased her around and wondered what the fuck had gotten into her...

"Is that mine?"

Ok so I know I have already dedicated an entire post to Sundays...but I swear if you could witness the hell it is, you would understand the need to post every Sunday.



Today was an especially awful day. It was SO busy. Line out the door for at least 2 hours and I got the pleasure of serving up all the drinks.



But really, when I go somewhere that is busy and there is a long line I usually expect to wait for a while. It is the price you pay for venturing out on a Sunday! But many people just don't get this, like, at all. Some of the things I get on a busy Sunday make me want to drop everything I am doing, scream in anger and hit it low by calling people awful things like, ugly or fat. Here are some examples of the shit I get while I am trying to perfect a cappuccino or something...



Walking over from paying with a lobby full of people..."is that mine?" no, you just fucking ordered! Did you think that when you ordered you got like special privileges and your stupid latte got moved to the front? No. Patience, bitch.



I call out a tall mocha..."Did you say tall mocha? I ordered a double tall" Right and if you look at this line of 20 drinks I am sure a double tall mocha is in there. When I MAKE that one I will be sure and call it nice and loud for you. But keep your grimy hand off that one...IT ISN'T YOURS!



"Do you have my tall vanilla latte?" Oh right. Hold on just a minute. "EXCUSE ME. Everyone? This nice lady wants to know if I have her tall vanilla latte? Would everyone else like to check to see if there drinks are here too? Because I bet we could really piss some time away by doing this..." Yes I have your tall vanilla latte...but you JUST ORDERED IT. Go wait far far away with the other impatient bitches...it will be ready in a minute.



And that about sums it up...no respect, no sympathy, no class and no fucking manners. Where do these people come from? Seriously. Sundays are days for love...surely the ones that serve your coffee should get some too?